I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
