I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
