70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
