does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
