Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
