i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
