why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
