My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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