Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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