these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
