Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My cat gives me a boner
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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