Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
