you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
