you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
