Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
