he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
