This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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