Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
