corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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