The maid of honor just puked.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
