I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
