Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im six kinds of drunk right now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
