The best revenge is premature balding
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
