Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
