Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
