You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
