My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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