New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
