got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
