508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
