I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
