; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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