He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
