I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
