I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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