i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
