"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
