I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
