Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
