FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
