if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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