Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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