Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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