watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
