My hand turned me down
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
