piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
