Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
