I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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