Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
