I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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